Only a mothe r could love this liver
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
