im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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