Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i think im in europe. pls send help
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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