Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
