i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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