god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
