I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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