Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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