Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
