I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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