you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
