i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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