brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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