Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
