if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
