wrigley field is MILF paradise
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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