Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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