hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Let's paint friendship bongs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
