I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
