currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
