There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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