is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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