Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
