Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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