OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
