the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
