dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
