I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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