I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
