Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
ttyl tear gas
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Randomize
