if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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