Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
