Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
He felt like a one man threesome
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
What changed your mind?
Being sober
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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