my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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