take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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