this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
