So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
