Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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