We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
