I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
