My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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