Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Brb crying the tears of my youth
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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