Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
