He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
