I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
my poor anus
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
