Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
