I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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