Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
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