He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
