I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
